February 2, 2014
Super Bowl XLVIII Props & Teaser Play

Here it is, Super Sunday. The day where all degenerates load up on prop plays, get their drink of choice in the ready position and celebrate the meaningless points of the Super Bowl. Let the fun begin.

Will Renee Fleming wear gloves during the National Anthem?

Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what this woman looks like, but I’m thinking she’ll leave leave the gloves in the dressing room. No (+110).

If Renee Fleming wears gloves, what color will they be? 

Still don’t think she’ll rock the gloves, but if she does, I’m rollin’ with Black (Even).

O/U on National Anthem set at 2 mins 25 secs. 

I’m taking the Under on this one. In years past, I’ve always hit on the over, but I don’t see this opera singer wanting to stick around long on the stage, in the cold weather. I’m going with the Under (-200).

First score of the game will be a FG or Safety.

Yes (+115). Both teams will start the game out a bit conservative and play it safe with the play calling. First score of the game will likely make the game 3-0.

Will Peyton Manning throw a 1st quarter TD?

Yes (+120). Peyton may not throw the pill for a TD on the 1st drive, but I see him getting it done before the clock runs down to 0:00 in the 1st quarter.

O/U of 21.5 on Marshawn Lynch’s rushing attempts.

I’m taking the Over on this one. Seattle will run the ball to move down the field, wear down the Broncos D and keep Peyton off the field. I see this one coming through early on in the 4th quarter. Over (-125).

Will Richard Sherman get a Pass Interference called on him during the game? 

Yes. I don’t see Peyton shying away from Demarius too much. Sherman is one of the best corners in the game, but I’ll take my chances that one of the Manning/Thomas routes will draw some laundry on Sherman. Yes (+125).

O/U of 27.5 that Peyton Manning yells “OMAHA” throughout the game.

I’m taking the Under. I know it’s been the hot topic and we’ll likely hear the Counting Crows “Omaha” tune as they lead into a set of commercials, but I don’t see him calling this out 28+ times. Under (Even).

Will Marshawn Lynch score a TD in the 1st half?

Yes. He’ll get the pill early and often and I see him taking one to pay dirt before the halftime festivities. Yes (+130).  

If the winning coach gets the Gatorade bath, what color will the liquid be?

Clear/Water (3/1). I see the winning coach getting doused with some ice water after the final horn sounds.

Two Team SBXLVIII 7 point teaser play:

Seahawks +10, Over 41 (-120). 



November 5, 2013
Master Waiver week 10

by Brian Girdler

Nothing is more frustrating than being in a position where you need to make a trade and can’t find a single owner to work with you.  It’s more frustrating than being invited to join a softball league and finding out later it’s a coed league.  

If your team is 4-5 and you haven’t been sitting on Gronk all year, it’s time to make some moves.  I absolutely love trading.  Growing up I would trade seats, trade lunches, trade football cards, and trade spit with the ladies.  I even traded prom dates one week before the big day (true story).  The hardest part of trading is finding a buyer though.  The first step is to find an owner that is open to “any” trade.   If they can identify one person on your team they want, you go after 2 of their guys or vice versa.  Do you really want to part with Marshawn Lynch?  No.  But if you need a WR and can get a low-end RB1 and a WR2 in return then look into it.  Look at the numbers and understand your point system in your league.  Will Lynch and your current WR2 score more points going forward then the offer on the table?  Do your best to not get hung up on names either.  Draft Day prices were 10 weeks ago, so do not continue to put the RB1 first round label on Ray Rice.  By looking at the numbers and the remaining schedule, you can better your team and have a run at the Playoffs.  Or you can sit on what you have.  But remember, what you have is a 4-5 team.

Pickups for the Week:

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October 29, 2013
The Master Waiver pickups of the week

by Brian Girdler

Halloween is just a few days away and I’m sure you have your costumes locked in. I know I’ll be going as “The Guy that Dropped Michael Vick and Gave Dexter’s Library his First Loss of the Season in His College Buddy’s League.”  Not sure yet how I’ll fit all that on a t-shirt.  My son is going as a “Blue Power Ranger” and I’m sure we’ll collect more candy than Augustus Gloop.  Luckily my wife is going as “pregnant” so feasting on the candy will be easier than Megatron going up against triple coverage.  So for this Halloween edition, we’ll examine who to pick up and what they’ll be dressing as this Halloween.

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October 22, 2013
The Master Waiver pickups

by Brian Girdler 

While being a father and the GM of a fantasy football team are obviously different, they at least have some similarities. To help put this into perspective, my wife and I are at the tail end of potty training our three-year-old son. It has felt like a grueling 13 game season that has ended on a Monday night,  last minute, 18-yard catch during garbage time for 3.5 points to put me into the playoffs. In addition, I’ve come to find that asking “Do you need to go potty?” feels the same as asking, “Gronk, are you going to play this week?”  Both questions get the same response, “Yes.”  But only to find when I get my son to sit on the toilet, there’s a change of mind. I guess the point I’m trying to make is I want to thank Gronk for shitting and getting off the pot. Here are some other Life Lessons dedicated to my son and Fantasy Football.

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October 15, 2013
The Master Waiver pickups

by Brian Girdler

I really wanted to call myself the “Master Waiver,” but I’m a little too new to give myself nicknames. The last time I had a nickname it was the “Dirty Gird” and I don’t even want to get into where it came from. Let’s just say it had nothing to do with that terrible Atlanta Falcons touchdown celebration. I sure wish it did, though.

Here are this week’s pickups. They’re slimmer than Mike Glennon’s face, but let’s not use up the good jokes in the introduction.

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October 10, 2013
The Father of Fantasy brings you his start-sit

by: Brian Girdler

Most fathers have no time for fantasy football.  We barely have enough time to enter our starting lineup on Saturday at midnight when the kids go to sleep.  To give you an example, you know that one guy in your league that left Calvin Johnson in his starting lineup last week?   I’ll bet you a Snack Pack that guy is a dad.  So this goes out to all the dads that need a break from Reality and need an early dose of Fantasy.

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October 10, 2013
Smoke ‘em, pass ‘em: week 6

You ever read any Emily Dickinson poems? She breaks it off in a sad, terrible, heart-breaking way. The poem “Because I could not stop for Death” is a real downer.

“Because I could not stop for Death
He kindly stopped for me
The Carriage held but just Ourselves
And Immortality.”

Holy hopping frog farts, there is a real demented and morbid delightfulness to this I could never grasp. How could someone be so anguished, so tormented, bursting with a hopelessness that had to be shared with the world? I could never understand it and then the funniest thing happened this week.

Julio Jones got hurt.

And in a flash me and ol’ Emily were on the same page. Right after I broke a pint glass in my kitchen upon reading the news, the agony took hold. I was filtering through the stages of grief—sans acceptance—faster than Julio could run a post. The anger sharp and real followed by the thought “I should’ve traded his ass for theReggie Bush and an eight ball” followed by a great depression that FDR couldn’t get me out of.

Fantasy is a cruel and spiteful beast and I think if Emily were alive she’d agree. God knows what she would’ve done in my situation. She probably would’ve written a start and sit post devoted to poetry. Yeah, that’s probably it.

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September 26, 2013
Smoke ‘em, pass ‘em: week four edition

We’re a quarter of the way through the fantasy football season after this week. If you’re 0-3, you should’ve joined more leagues. If you’re 3-0, there’s a good chance all your friends hate you. Now is the time of the season where for the winners will be tempted to grab for elite talent; for the losers, you may fall prey to another owner taking advantage of you in your fragile state. At no time should you let someone take advantage of you. Unless she’s of age. Remember that vital question that Tyrann Mathieu taught us always to ask,“When you make 18?”

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September 19, 2013
Smoke ‘em, pass ‘em: week three edition

The Jacksonville Jaguars have scored 11 points through two games this season and are headed to Seattle this weekend. This is going to end more poorly than a trip to into the desert with Walter White. Holy tubs full of chicken wings that show is getting so gawdamm maddening. Is anyone even going to bother watching the Chicago Bears beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this weekend?

Vince Gilligan is bigger than the NFL. Somewhere Czar Roger Goodell is lining up for Gilligan to be sent to Belize where Ndamukong Suh works as his “muscle.” Enough of these shitty jokes.

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September 11, 2013
Smoke ‘em, pass ‘em: week two edition

There’re only 15 weeks left of fantasy football and I’m already dreading waking up in January without it. But a few more performances like the one David Wilson had on Sunday night and I’ll welcome the end with open arms. M. Night Shyamalan’s last movie was less disappointing than that shit-show.

The good news is we can move on quickly and all that happened last week can easily be forgotten and forgiven. In many ways fantasy football is the perfect game for sufferers of Alzheimer’s. The sooner you forget the past, the better off you’re gonna be.

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